Thailand now has a new government, although it seems very unclear exactly what the new government will do. High on the priority list of some ministers is restoring comfort to the unfortunate Wacky Tacky. WT is having a bad time of late as his round ball team is not doing so well and new prime minister Smacky Smacky is not showing the respect to WT he should, bearing in mind that it was WT’s support and spondoolicks that got Smacky Smacky into the job.
SS has been displaying lapses of memory whilst conducting interviews on Worldwide news channels. In LOS there is talk of mega projects (now there’s a surprise) and new giveaways to the poor of Issan who voted the government in but little clue as to what is really going to happen. WT’s intended monument to the greatness of Thailand (Suvarnabhumi) continues to be a perfect example of exactly the opposite of that intended! Sorting out the airport’s myriad problems was a suggested priority for the new government in a hard hitting statement from the airlines that have to use the facility. But that seems to have been placed in the “too difficult” folder and anyway there is no money in it!
WT is threatening to return but first of all the busy ministers are trying to get rid the evidence against him as well as replacing any official who might have enough ballsto continue with the prosecution of WT. The Peoples Alliance for Democracy are threatening to start protesting all over again if government give WT an easy ride. Many in Thailand will be paraphrasing the words of Henry ll and muttering “Will nobody rid us of this turbulent billionaire”.
So as the old tee shirt slogan goes, it has been just another shitty month in paradise!
One of the problems of this paradise is the new election law that is creating 3 dry days at a time. Last weekend Mukka Bukka day was on Thursday (a traditional dry day) and then Friday – Sunday bars were closed for pre-election voting. The potential result: four dry days. However the powers that be came to their senses and only the election closure was enforced so on Mukka Bukka day the bars were open. However since this is Thailand, there were bars open but most regular haunts were closed for sale of alcohol although many a gogos opened selling soft drinks only. And next week end there will certainly be a dry Saturday with the senate election happening on the Sunday. If paradise is to be dry maybe somewhere else might be more fun! Last week end I was in Phnom Penh. (see next article)
In November the Cheap Baron wrote an article comparing Bangkok to Pattaya specifically looking at the cost aspects of the two cities. I was then rounded on by a few bar owners saying the Cheap Baron was wrong and that Bangkok is no more expensive than Pattaya. (No I did not say it - they did) I will add that several punters I spoke to said the Cheap Baron was spot on. So I promised to go and make a definitive assessment.
Well for three alcohol stained days I trundled the streets of Pattaya and looked at prices and naked women. Naked because I could not find many with clothes on, particularly in a gogo bars. In Sisterz I bought a bottle of whisky (2,000 Baht) and searched extensively over several hours on various nights to see a pubic hair and failed. At the 145 Baht per beer level (which some avaricious bar owners in Soi Cowboy and Nana aspire to), there was only one bar at that level: Angelwitch, with a show that would compete very happily if it was next door to Crazy Horse on Avenue George V, Paris (that’s France for the cousins!). The Angelwitch Pattaya show, in a purpose built auditorium, is way way ahead of anything in Cowboy and AW was packed. Elsewhere the standard beer price in an a gogo seemed to be 110 Baht. My conclusion must be that the Cheap Baron was 100% correct and Pattaya is much cheaper than Bangkok and furthermore there is a great deal more on display. But I do not think that that conclusion will come as a surprise to anybody unless they are trying to fool themselves into believing black is white!
But of course Bangkok has its own attractions and benefits and there will always be the likes of Patpong and Cowboy as well as other less hedonistic venues like Queen’s Park Plaza and Soi 7/1. As they say ‘you pays your money and makes your choice!’
Much to the surprise of most of us the motorbikes have suddenly all disappeared from the entrance to Nana. Maybe totally blocking the entrance was too much even for the could-not-care-a-damn managers of the plaza.
For some mysterious reason the Mercury a gogo on the first floor has bowed out of that market and has been relaunched as a standard beer bar with a couple of pool tables. As an a gogo it was insipid at best as the management had no idea of the concept of customer service. I presume the idea is to save money but unless they get into the customer care business I suspect they will do even worse than as an a gogo!
Just above Mercury, Erotica a gogo on the second floor has also had a revamp and gone coyote while its upper level, which had been closed for some time, has been reopened as an a gogo. They also have 300-baht short-time rooms with showers.
Big Mango remains empty despite rumours that the owner of Hollywood was interested in leasing; there are no signs of any work and high season is nearly over. Of course the interesting bit is that Big Mango, Erotica and Mercury are not on Nana Castle leases. Instead they have greedy shop house owners who are determined to squeeze the last possible satang out of what they have, and of course, if they get too insatiable ,what has happened at Big Mango will happen again and instead of fat profit it will be sweet f-all!
To many people’s surprise there has been some enforcement of the no smoking ban. In some areas the Old Bill visited venues and told the owners that smoking is now verboten. So now many bars have an outside area which is a regular meeting spot for smokers who gather round an over flowing ashtray and bitch about all things PC. This is particularly so in Thonglor area that includes Cowboy and Soi 33. However in Bangrak, Patpong, little has changed and only a few bars have started enforcing the ban.
The second edition of our new satirical magazine, the Sukhumvit Eye, is just out and is available by yearly/six monthly subscription from our website http://www.sukhumviteye.com or individually (at 100 Baht) from the following retailers.
RX Pharmacy Sukhumvit Rd between Soi 4 and Nana Post office Rattanasan Pharmacy - Soi 23 Next to Down Under Bar (RHS from Suk Rd.) 6 banthad Book Shop Ekamai -In Big C Entrance Hall Jr. Pharmacy Soi 4 - Opposite Nana Plaza Bookshop Soi 3 - LHS 50 yards from Sukhumvit Rd. Akane Pharmacy Sukhumvit Road between Soi 13-15 9 convenience store Soi 15 - LHS 20 yards from Sukhumvit Promsuk. Soi 22 - RHS 50 Yards from Sukhumvit next to Srijinda mansion
Also at Omni Tower (Soi 4) Upright Media Office (over Cafe) and from the lobby convenience store
Wine tasting. The next Bangkok Wine Society tasting will be on Tuesday March 18th. at Jamesense Restaurant on Sukhumvit Soi 16. Full details from http://www.bangkokwinesociety.com.
THE Soi Cowboy
experience More than just a gogo
From
the Baron www.BaronBonk.com
Phnom Penh is a brave new world complete with glitches.
Phnom Penh: almost a brave new world
The older one gets, the more the subject of change takes on an importance. For some reason I am not so sure when the line ‘I remember when etc. etc.’ became a regular feature in my conversation. Of course when you can look back over thirty or forty years then change tends to be significant as the world rattles off on the express train to who knows where? But not many places change that significantly in less than a decade unless something really major happens. Eastern Europe changed before my eyes in the last decade of the last century. However it was the first year of the new millennium that I first went to Phnom Penh, less than a decade ago. Then it was poor town: few roads were paved, there were not many hotels, a handful of bars, and a desperate pack of child beggars on every street corner. The lack of street lighting was in many ways understandable as only stupid tourists ventured out at night. Now Phnom Penh is a buzzing place. Traffic jams are almost common place, the Lexus distributor must make a fortune, and most worker ants seem to have a motorbike. Back then motos and pedelos were the transport options so most night wanderers hired a car and driver. Now there is a modern day equivalent of the horse and carriage standing on each street corner: a motor bike towing something that looks like something a poor queen would take to parliament, a modern day landau. Maybe not the easiest transport to get into, especially if one is a larger specimen of the human race, but at least a more comfortable way of getting around as well as cheap and available. I was beginning to get used to them and working out the ingress and egress problems when on my last night I grabbed an insistent tuk tuk owner, yes like their Bangkok namesakes a little hassle is inevitable, and directed him to my hotel. Sadly about two thirds of the way home he ran out of fuel. To be fair he woke up a dozing fellow operator and so made sure I got home. A brave new world maybe but glitches exist on the way!
Phnom Penh is not hassle free but the few beggars and insistent tuk tuk drivers are easily driven off with a firm shake of the head and sitting in a cafe bar in the day time epi-centre of town, Sisowath Quay, does attract the odd vendor but to anybody who can put up with the constant hassle of the Golden Bar (Nana Hotel) this is a distraction rather than an irritant. And Sisowath Quay, as becomes this former colonial French town, is very much about cafe society - sitting and watching.
Bars and new bar clusters are springing up all over town but the old favourites remain. I did not visit Sharkeys this time but I am told all is well with this institution that was one of, if not the, pioneers of bars in Phnom Penh. I did pop into another founding member, the Heart (of Darkness). As I entered I was patted down for weapons in what seemed like an almost serious attempt to prevent another in-house gunfight which led to fatalities a couple of years ago. Inside the music boomed and the crowd was as cosmopolitan as ever. The Shanghai Bar just up the street (51 Street) was also doing good trade with an impressive gaggle of hostesses packing the bar area scrounging drinks at $1 above the normal price which was $1.50 - $2.00 for a beer or normal spirits. Opposite is the Black Cat and another few yards away is the Walkabout. These bars maintain this street as a major play area from dusk to dawn.
A new area, for me, was on 108 street where three bars Zapata, Voodoo, and Golden Vine as well as Art Cafe and the French bistro La Marmite sit in a line overlooking this attractive wide boulevard. We had a good sensible priced French meal at La Marmite and then enjoyed the company in the bars: a worthwhile spot to spend an evening.
Not far away is Wat Phnom and I stayed at the Casa Hotel a few yards away. The hotel did not inspire confidence when I entered but the room was large and everything worked. So in the end I had to conclude it was good low priced accommodation. I never ventured into the disco underneath, but I did have a few early drinks in the nearby Coyote Ugly bar. Although the girls were friendly enough I rather felt the double barrelled name might have been better parsed down to a single word, especially since there was no coyote!
Looking for somewhere new on my last night I tuk tuked over to the Huxleys Pub and Restaurant. The slogan of this new enterprise is brave new world; well you need to be brave if you open up a restaurant described as ‘international fine dining’ and do not have a wine list and a very limited menu of very ordinary pub food. Either that or dumb! I made my excuses and left. Then I trundled to the first-rate Bouganvillea Restaurant on Sisowath Quay where I had an admirable meal. What is more the excellent wine list was priced for consumption and not protectionism.
Another new operation is the Gym Sports Bar (Street 178) run by Randal from Adelaide. This is a true sports bar in that Randal controls a dozen televisions and has over five feeds so that most major sporting events are on live. I felt it was bit small for that many TVs; there really was a television wherever one looked. But I suppose that is what a sports bar is all about. The Gym Bar is clearly popular and easy enough to get to in one of those tuk tuks.
I was forced into travelling on Air Asia as they offer the only flight at a civilised time. Mind you after the rigours of Suvarnabhumi airport a little discomfort in the air is nothing. I was amused to meet a man, on the way back, who had flown with Air Asia 21 times and only one flight, his flight to Phnom Penh, had been on time. The irony was that my flight out was an hour late and the flight back was an hour late, so my flying companion was almost unlucky to have broken his 100% lateness record on Air Asia. If you are prepared to put up with late flights then book early and PP is only a few hundred Baht away and the prices there are almost a pleasure after Bangkok. And another new plus is that there is an ATM, doleing out US dollars, on every major street.
Nightmarch
A gigolo nails it
Another One Bites the Dust: According to an email I received from a local bar-hound, rumour suggests the Misty’s gogo (Pattayaland Soi 2) will be closing down around the end of March. Given the gradual shift of the soi into the similar gender-confused status of its next door neighbour Pattayaland Soi 1, it may be no real surprise Misty’s is closing after 12 years of operations. There is one cocks-in-frocks den just across the soi and I think two or three pink palaces as well while the number of distaff dens has dwindled to just five, including Misty’s, in recent years.
Misty’s is set to open up in Walking Street, where the money really is nowadays.
Worthy of a Silent Film: The latest coyote-style dancing den to open its doors is Club Blu (Soi Buakhow). Situated right on the corner of Soi LK Metro and opposite the popular Stereo beer boozer and snooker hall, Club Blu is a spacious rectangle with plenty of young and attractive talent on display and it’s certainly taken off as far as punters are concerned with a good crowd in the night I checked it out. Heading towards the place I couldn’t help thinking I was watching something out of a silent film. No sound, naturally, was coming out onto the street, but the whole place is enclosed by clear-glass and the dancing girls were writhing about like people slowly asphyxiating. Of course the reason for the unnatural gyrations is pretty obvious once you step inside and are assailed by the music.
Still Going Strong: I was recently sent a lengthy email by a usually reliable source concerned about the financial goings-on in the popular Club Oasis gogo (Soi Buakhow). The upshot was a suggestion the den was experiencing financial problems. I haven’t been able to ascertain the truth, or otherwise, of this assertion, but on a recent Wednesday evening I wandered in to check the joint out. There were at least 24 dancers who had fronted up for work and by midnight a dozen of these had been barfined. Quite a number of those left were attractive or at least alluring enough to have found work in most dens and the place, while not packed, was doing good business. The serving wenches, very often a good barometer of the health of a den, were dashing about the place with smiles on their faces and joking with each other and customers. If there ever was a problem it appears, at least on the surface, to have been well and truly sorted out.
Tales from the Crib: The life of a gigolo can prove to be quite a bummer if the following story is anything to go by. Denis the Menace, mine host of the OK Corral beer boozer and sports emporium (Soi Rungland), related the following anecdote concerning an amusing incident that occurred to the son of a quite famous British comedian of the 1920s-1950s. While his father had a statue erected to mark his achievements in the field of entertainment, the son apparently makes his living as a professional ladies man.
A regular visitor to Thailand, the ageing but still charismatic gigolo, who we’ll nickname ‘Banjo’, was in Pattaya accompanied by a Thai lady. She requested her beau’s help in instructing her niece, fresh out of the trees and off the back of a buffalo in the village, in the ways of coital activities as they apply to the average foreign male. Being an obliging kind of chap, as gigolo’s are wont to be, he readily agreed to give the required instruction and took the girl under his wing. In the first instance he renovated her less-than-acceptable wardrobe and soon had her dressed in more than jeans and a tacky buffalo-snotted T-shirt. She was then sent off to the hairdresser to be coiffed in modern fashion. Finally, she went to a beauty shop for the application of war paint and new shiny nails. Of course, all expenses were borne by her aunt, as the whole point of being a gigolo is not to spend any of your own wedge.
Happy with the end result on the visual front, Banjo then retired to the boudoir with the aunt, the trainee niece, and a video camera. This last was purely for the purposes of use later as an instructional tool.
Naturally the aunt commenced the training proceedings in order to give her inexperienced and still somewhat shy niece a chance to get an idea of how things are done when it comes to the art of mattress dancing. At one point the aunt, with her mouth full (and not of food, so this would not be classified as impolite in the etiquette books), asked her paramour how her niece could be helping with the act of sexual congress currently in progress.
Banjo suggested the niece might like to use one hand to stroke his knackers while placing the finger of the other hand in a place where the sun never shines. It appears the niece took to the latter activity with a little too much relish and suddenly Banjo had an extremely unpleasant feeling emanating from the back door.
Ceasing all erotic activity, Banjo wriggled into Kama Sutra position number 181, basically on all fours. The aunt, with assistance from the niece, stared into what must really have seemed like a black hole in the hope of recovering one of the latter’s new shiny nails which had come adrift during the training session.
After much peering, pointing and, slightly painful poking and prodding, the aunt suddenly exclaimed, “We’ve found something!” Then, with a deflated mutter she noted, “Oh, it’s only a corn kernel.”
The search for the missing nail continued unsuccessfully, and finally Banjo decided to relax and let nature take its course. Eventually the nail passed back the way it came and Banjo was able to once more sit without discomfort. It just goes to show that the life of a professional gigolo is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Smoking update
As of Sunday night 17 February, there were a number of dens banning smoking as well as outdoor beer boozers. Others weren’t concerned, while still others were banning it until midnight. After the witching hour it became OK because they think the police don’t work after that hour!
Piece of Pith: The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Prowler
Phuket hassles
Yet again confusion reigns within the entertainment industry. Thailand's new no smoking ban came in on the 11th February with no information being given out as to what premises would be affected. The local plod have been no help and the press are struggling to get a definite answer as to where is smoking allowed and where is it not. The alarmists in Bangkok (and the Royal Gazette) have been saying that the smoker will be fined 2,000 Baht and the bar owner 20,000 Baht. This sort of fine would wipe out many small bar operators here in Patong.
Chinese New Year almost passed unnoticed in Patong. Some hotels had special Gala Dinners laid on but in the streets there was no big celebration. The Rat sneaked in without fanfare. In Phuket Town where there is a larger Chinese community celebrations went on all day and into the night.
The beaches remain busy and hotels are enjoying good occupancy rates. However, room prices have already been lowered by some of the smaller guest houses and hotels. The beaches are busy during the day but the people are not out in big numbers at night. The main bar Sois in Bangla are reasonably busy but other areas are quieter. There are a lot of empty bar stools out there.
There is more gloom and doom for the bar owners as they face yet more bar closing days for another two more weekends of elections.
PHUKET AIRPORT WOES (See Editors note at end)
Phuket International Airport Immigration is struggling to cope with the increased volume of travellers. At both arrival and departure there have been passengers standing in line for as much as two hours waiting to get processed. The Immigration Officers are working flat out and all positions are fully manned but with all the new Visa Regulations it takes an Officer about five minutes to process each passenger.
After the weary passenger clears Immigration and Customs the next hurdle is getting a taxi. In most other airports in Asia I would say that this would not be difficult. Here on Phuket it is a big problem. There are not enough taxis. At some times we have the situation of six planes arriving each disgorging more than two hundred people and only about fifty taxis on hand to transport them. A round trip for a taxi to the main beaches takes about ninety minutes. The first lucky ones out the doors get their rides promptly but everybody else is left stranded. The only way to clear this mess would be to open up the airport to more private operators. No doubt a lot of "Tea Money" would be lost by the airport management who award the current contracts.
JAZZ AND BLUES FESTIVAL
The Annual Phuket International Jazz and Blues festival was held on the weekend of 22nd and 23rd February. This years event attracted a large field of foreign and local bands. The venue was the Hilton Phuket Arcadia. For more information contact their web site <www.phuketbluesfestival.com> .
VISES HOTEL BAR SHACKS
Last year somebody erected a bamboo Bar Shack outside Vises Hotel on Soi Sainamyen. It was doing so well that another person came along and erected an exact copy right next to it. Since then each one has tried to out do the other in a battle for the passing trade. The latest sign on one is advertising 50 Baht beers and free bar snacks all day. The cheap Charlies are circling like sharks.
GONZO BAR
I have rediscovered this forgotten oasis of sanity in the bedlam of Bangla. For me the down side of a busy tourist season is that sometimes I can't get a seat in my regular bar. On one such occasion I strayed across the road and into the Gonzo Bar. I have overlooked this place for many years. It is at the entrance to Soi Gonzo and is one of the original Bangla Bars. The music is good old 70s and 80s era and not played too loud. Beers were only 80 Baht per bottle and the staff were friendly and quick with the refills. For some reason it is never too busy but is is slap bang in the centre of Bangla and a great spot from which to people watch.
SOI BANGLA SQUARE
I think this Soi should be renamed Soi Rico. One entire side is now dominated by the Rico group. The Dog's Bollocks British Pub has gone and now there is Rico's Steakhouse, Rico's Piano Bar, and Rico's Hotel. The Piano Bar is a quite plush German lounge and is clean and comfortable although the prices are a little steep. As I don't speak German the entertainment was lost on me but the place was doing a brisk trade. On the other side of the street The Dutch Bar still provided a quiet place for a drink away from the noise of Bangla.
VALHALLA TO CLOSE DOWN
Rather than renew a very over priced lease Jan has decided to close his hall of fun in Soi Sunset. He is moving his operations to the Hilltop Hotel on Ha Sip Pee Road. This hotel has a great terrace with an infinity swimming pool that overlooks the entire Patong Bay. The coffee shop restaurant is a good place to get away from the hustle and bustle of Patong's congested streets. Jan has a loyal customer base of ex-pats and I am sure they will follow him to his new location.
MAI TAI BAR PARTY
The Mai Tai Bar is celebrated its 8th Anniversary on Monday 25th February with a big party. I don't think that many bars in Soi Eric have lasted that long. Nickie and his wife Ead are laid on a balloon chasers’ bonanza with food and drink.
SOI ERIC'S TOILET
It is just an observation but I do think the staff in Soi Eric have gone over board with their non smoking policy in the men's toilet. On each swing door there is a no smoking sign and then inside there are four more large ones on the walls above the urinals. Just for good measure there is also another one in the throne room. I wonder if the ladies’ toilets are similarly adorned.
Editors Note on the airport
My good friend who one might politely describe as portly and often answers to the call “chang noi” recently completed a most successful diving trip in the Similans. The package included boat to hotel transport and Chang Noi found himself in the company of a dozen other folks on the dive-boat bus. As each sang out their final destination, it became apparent that CN would have to do a complete but unwanted tour of Phuket Island before reaching his down-town Patong destination.
Instead of enduring this he elected to be dropped at the first stop (Phuket Airport) where, along with wife, diving gear, and equally portly friend, he disembarked and sought the assistance of a friendly cabbie. “Baht 700” he was quoted. “But the price is Baht 500” he replied. “But you very heavy” came back the reply. CN popped inside, bought standard taxi ticket for Baht 500, and returned to the head of the line. “Baht 700” he was told. “But I have ticket” said CN, thinking this would be the face-saving way around the proposed rip-off . No way ! Our taxi mafia, confident that they would soon be pressed into service anyway (see Prowler’s report), unanimously held out and CN had to fork out the extra Baht 200 to ensure that he made it to the bars before the crowd aboard the dive-boat song taew. TIT even for the veterans.
Need
a Hotel in Thailand? See Baron
Bonks new
recommended Hotel list...
